The Toddler Report


In honour of the poor mother who was asked to leave John Lewis with her screaming toddler..

I felt the need to write a “Toddler Report” in the style of a traffic report so that those rubber-neckers who stood around tutting and complaining about the noise, instead of offering some support, don’t have any further upset to their unsympathetic lives.

“Hello dear listeners, Sarah here with your latest toddler report this lunch time. Helping YOU to avoid delays and distress.

First up we have had reports from an onlooker that there is a toddler in complete meltdown in aisle 6 of Tesco, near spaghetti junction, after his mother refused to buy him chocolate buttons because it is almost time for his lunch. He is currently lying on the hard shoulder with his arms and legs flailing in the air and a scream louder than a burglar alarm. His mother is standing her ground and advises that you take an alternative route. She apologises to those who are stuck in the jam.

There has been an incident reported at the local soft play area where a toddler is currently blocking the entrance to the ball pit after another child “looked at her”. A parent is on the scene trying to diffuse the situation with a bread stick and a box of raisins. We will of course keep you updated with any improvements.

We are just hearing from “Jaspers’ mum” about a spillage in B&Q after an angry and hungry toddler was let loose in the paint aisle. The incident is under control as Jasper is now restrained in the trolley whilst his mother is apologising profusely to the team in charge of the clear up operation. This could take some time and there is a diversion in place via wallpaper and soft furnishings.

Queues are forming at the self-service check out at Asda where a toddler is insisting on ‘helping’ her father put ALL of the shopping through the bleeper machine. There is not much that can be done I’m afraid. Traffic is moving slowly, but if you are in a hurry it is advised that you find another route.

And finally a warning has been issued to those owners of tiny dancers or other young children heading to John Lewis to expect possible road closures. If this applies to you and you were planning to shop to ‘show someone they’re loved’ you might want to enter a different destination into your sat nav!

That’s all from me for now. I’m back with more at 4pm when the toddlers are gearing up for tea time and bat-shit crazy time! Thanks for listening!”


4 thoughts on “The Toddler Report

  1. Hahaha brilliantly written! A great tribute to that poor woman in John Lewis. Our last public meltdown was in Homebase – they had a lovely display of balloons in an archway on the stairs (yeah, thanks for that Homebase) – toddler didn’t understand why she couldn’t have one. I was 9 months pregnant and I couldn’t pick her up off the floor so I was almost tempted to take apart the display to appease her!!

    Liked by 1 person

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