“Mum! Where’s my shoes?”
“Mum! Can you wipe my bum?”
“Mum! The baby has sicked on the carpet.”
“Mum! The dog has sicked on the baby!”
“MUUUMM! We’re staaarving!”
Does this sound familiar to you? Yes? Well then you may well be what is known as a ‘professional’ Mum. Or ‘Mum’ for short.
The role of ‘Mum’ is illustrated beautifully in this Ladybird book ‘How it works’: The Mum.
You may find that you usually wear a ‘Mum uniform’, which consists of some sort of striped top, which hides a multitude of sins. Leggings or jeans, possibly a skirt over leggings if you are having a particularly good day. Hair scrunched up in a band, or cut short to prevent small jammy fingers and nits venturing into your luscious locks. Flat shoes and maybe mascara… if you’re lucky. Mascara usually comes at the sacrifice of your own breakfast.
Is this all ringing true with you so far? Well, now you’ve got the ‘look’ here’s a list of 10 skills that professional Mums excel at.
1. You can complete a full or partial cot or toddler bed change (sheets, duvet, blankets, the works) in the pitch black dark at 2am. No problem.
2. You are ALWAYS ready to ‘Mum’. Midday or midnight. You can’t help it. You are a Mum to the core.
3. You understand the wonder and versatility of wet wipes and always keep some in every room and every bag you own. You also keep spares in the car, like you’d have a spare tyre. This is despite the fact all the children are now at school and nursery and not in the car!
4. You can multitask like an octopus on steroids. Decorating the bathroom, doing two loads of laundry, food shopping, school run, nursery run, cooking dinner, retrieving baby from Nanna’s and getting your husband from work. It’s all in a day’s work for you! (This was actually a day in my life last week!)
5. Very little phases you. There was a time in your life where a bit of a cold or a traumatic evening involving explosive nappies and a sick shower that looked like a scene from the exorcist would have scuppered you for a few days. Now these are minor inconveniences and are just added to the list of ‘every day norms.’
6. Your knowledge of children’s TV and Disney films is greater than any learning you have ever previously undertaken. You could win mastermind with your extensive insight into the life and times of Daddy Pig. And how is it that you know every word to every Disney song ever written (and some not written yet), but you don’t know where you’ve put your keys…again?!
7. You will do ANYTHING for those tiny dictators who have taken to lodging in your once clean and tidy home. And I mean ANYTHING. From spending hours researching, baking and creating Rainbow bloomin’ birthday cakes, to squeezing every Lego/ Shopkins mini figure packet in the toy shop (despite the concerned looks of staff and passers-by) to find the ultra-rare fella that’s missing from their collection! Staying up late to make costumes for school plays…or staying up late to order them from eBay. Bum wiper, food giver, cleaner, slave and taxi driver. You will do anything for them.
8. You are NEVER alone. You need to put the bins out? On your own? Pah! Not a chance. “Can we come?” Say all the children, boots already on. You will then spend 20 minutes in the rain trying to get them back indoors because you are still in your pyjamas and bursting for the loo. When you finally make it back indoors and sneak to the loo, you will find that they are already in there waiting for you! How do they do that?!
Want a shower? They’ll cry outside the door for you. Want a bath? They’ll get in with you! Want to cook some dinner? They’ll hang on your leg for you! Want to go to sleep?! Hahahahahaha!!!
9. You have invented your own language and ‘swears’ that you use around the children! And some words that you only hiss at the beautiful bottle of wine that awaits you in the fridge. This is usually when the toddler has dropped his yogurt between your toes and your eldest son needs to have built a fully functioning Roman fort…yesterday.
10.You know a love that you never knew before. If anyone else farted in your face, pulled your hair and made your nipples bleed they would be well and truly off your Christmas card list! But these little tyrants are your babies, you love them with every ounce of your being. They will break you, daily. They will make you think about things you’ve never considered. They will harass you, lick you and wipe their nose on you. But that’s because they love you! They can’t help it! You are the best thing EVER! Because you are a professional mum.