Sleep deprived mummy hasn’t slept for 3 years.
Sleep deprived mummy’s baby wakes her up twice in the night for milk feeds.
Sleep deprived mummy’s toddler wakes her up 18 times a night, because she likes to exercise control.
On the very rare occasion that the baby and the toddler do not wake mummy up, Sleep deprived Mummy is unable to sleep because she is too excited.
Sleep Deprived Mummy loves strong coffee and chocolate as they help her to operate the car without nodding off.
She also loves under eye concealer because it hides the fact that she looks like utter crap.
Sometimes, Sleep Deprived Mummy is so tired that she just can’t get her shit together.
Like the day she accidentally went shopping with her dress on back to front and inside out.
Or like the day she swore at the supermarket delivery driver because he knocked on the front door and woke the baby up from its nap.
Or the day she put the remote control in the fridge and the baby in the washing machine.
Or the day that she looked at the state of her carpets/hair/life and wept uncontrollably in to a packet of pink wafer biscuits. Then cried a bit more when one got stuck to her lip.
One night Sleep Deprived Mummy was just getting in to bed (and loudly wondering why she was bothering as she knew she’d be getting out of it again very soon), when Daddy showed Mummy that he wasn’t wearing any pants.
Mummy let out an audible groan and Daddy waggled his eyebrows in a way that he thought was ‘inviting’.
Suddenly, Sleep Deprived Mummy had a brilliant idea.
‘I would like to get jiggy with you’ said Mummy ‘But I’m so sleep deprived. Maybe we can come to some kind of arrangement?’
And so, Mummy and Daddy struck a deal. Mummy would co-operate with Daddy and Daddy would get up with the children at dog shit o’clock and let Mummy have a much needed lie in to catch up on sleep. Mummy suspected that it might even help her to stop feeling like she hates everybody.
The next morning, the toddler woke mummy up at 5.25am by jumping on her head.
The baby started crying.
Mummy elbowed Daddy in the ribs.
Sleep Deprived Mummy (who had been up at least 18 times in the night), very loudly harrumphed and got out of bed. She scooped up the baby and the toddler and very loudly stomped downstairs.
When Daddy finally woke up at 10am and came downstairs Mummy shot him a look so frosty, that he immediately realised the brevity of his mistake.
He then checked his balls to make sure they were still attached.
Sleep Deprived Mummy was so tired and enraged that she actually screamed ‘IT WAS MY LIE IN YOU BASTARD! I’M SO FUCKING TIRED AND EVERYONE WANTS A FUCKING PEICE OF ME!’ very loudly in Daddy’s face before handing him the baby and stomping very loudly back upstairs.
From that day onwards, Mummy made a vow NEVER to ‘co-operate’ with Daddy until AFTER he had fulfilled his side of the bargain and let HER have a lie-in.