Sporty Mummy


Sporty Mummy is one of those curious people who like to dress in sports wear all of the time, even though they do not do sports.

Sporty Mummy’s favourite clothes are made of stretchy, shiny, tight fabric and make Sporty Mummy feel like she can go faster than everybody else.

Sporty Mummy wears trainers that glow in the dark and a special bracelet that tells her just how sporty she hasn’t been.

Sporty Mummy looks her sportiest on the school run.

One day, Sporty Mummy woke up feeling extra sporty.

‘Today, I will actually go for a run after I have dropped the children off at school.’ Thought You Know Who.

Sporty Mummy often has this thought.

Sporty Mummy put on her fastest leggings and her special vest (the one with the elasticated booby pocket that minimises any unhelpful jiggling).

Then it was time to get the two children dressed.

Child number one hid under her bed covers whilst Sporty Mummy chased child number two (who wasn’t wearing anything at all) all around the house with a pair of pants.

Some time later, and with a great deal of wrangling, negotiation and bribery, Sporty Mummy finally wrestled the two children in to their school uniform.


Sporty Mummy then organised the children’s breakfast.

This involved:

  • making three different types of breakfast for the youngest, who did not eat any of them;
  • Getting on her hands and knees and scooping blobs of weetabix off the dining room floor before it set hard  – Noticing whilst she was doing this, that yesterday’s peas were also down there
  • and a scrap of bacon from the day before yesterday
  • and also a crust of pizza from the day before, the day before yesterday
  • Running the vacuum cleaner round the dining room and realising that hoovering up chunks of food makes the hoover smell funny and that the whole of the downstairs now had a cheesy waft;
  • Mopping up two spilt drinks;


  • Scurrying from room to room trying to remember where exactly, she had left her cup of tea.


After breakfast, Sporty Mummy made several trips up and down the stairs to fetch tooth brushes, find hair bobbles, locate cardigans, retrieve reading books and at the very last minute – have a wee.


Sporty Mummy then spent 25 minutes cajoling the children in to putting their shoes and coats on and convincing the youngest that she did not need to take 30 soft toys out for a ride to school.

And a further 20 minutes cajoling them in to the car by shouting, ‘Hurry up!’ ‘Come on!’ ‘We’re going to be late!’ ‘MOVE!’

Sporty Mummy parked as close as she could to the school gates, which was not very close at all because all of the roads around the school were gridlocked as usual, by other parents trying to park as close as they could to the school gates.

The children ran off ahead. They always do that – except on days when its raining as that is when they prefer to dawdle and fuck about.

Bless them.

Sporty Mummy was worried about the roads and the traffic and strangers, so she employed a kind of wiggly speed-walk to try and keep up.

At last and in the nick of time, the children were deposited safely at school.


It was then that Sporty Mummy remembered her plan to go for a run.

And what do you think happened next?

That’s right, she was far too knackered, so she went home and had a nice cup of coffee and two Jammy Dodgers instead.

Sporty Mummy pondered on the term ‘school run’ and decided it was very aptly named.

Because it felt like a fucking marathon, every day of the week.


The End.

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