Sarah’s alternative Christmas!

You may have noticed that Christmas is fast approaching. You will have undoubtedly seen the panicked looks on the faces of shoppers and been bombarded by adverts for toys that are no longer available in the shops. (They put these on just to taunt small children!)

Following on from my Christmas tree blog, you may also have noticed that Christmas is perhaps not my most favourite time of year. It releases the grumpy middle aged woman within me like nothing else. I can’t help it! But I don’t think it’s Christmas that I don’t like. I can enjoy a good roast potato and cheap cracker as much as Bob Cratchit. What I’m opposed to is all the other unnecessary faff that now seems to be a part of the festivities.

So here are a few of my Christmas peeves and how to avoid them…you’re welcome!

  1. Elf on the bloody shelf.

What the? When? How? WHY did we let this happen? Elf on the Shelf originates from a children’s story that was published in 2004 and I have to commend him for a spectacular rise to fame, with his own website and apparent world take over.

However, I couldn’t give a flying (reindeer) what he’s been up to in your house! I don’t care if he’s swinging from the Christmas tree, covering your home in dirty little foot prints or holding an all-night elf rave… I DO NOT CARE.

My alternative to Elf on the shelf, is Bear on the stair. This is a much shorter lived experience for all and it involves putting a creepy looking bear, with red glowing eyes, on the stairs in your house on Christmas eve in an attempt to stop the little darlings coming downstairs at dog sh!t ‘o’ clock on Christmas day!

Forget Elf on the Shelf, try Bear on the stair! Photo credits: (Bear (Elf)


2. Christmas songs on the radio…In NOVEMEBER!

I told you I’m a grumpy old woman. I’m sure there was a time, not very long ago, when Chrismas songs were a novelty and were played on radio stations in the week before Christmas with an abrupt end on Boxing day. That’s how we know it’s time to hit the shops and order a new mattress and sofa in the sales.

Who has suddenly decreed that it’s ok to start playing these musical crimes in NOVEMBER? November is certainly not Christmas!

My solution to this is simple… turn off the radio and listen to your own music!

3. Christmas dinner.

Controversial I know, but this is the only meal of the year that seems to send everyone into a complete melt down. When do I turn the oven on? How do I cook a carrot? Whose house will we eat at? Who’s bringing what? Have we got some special plates and glitter and hats and candles and the correct glasses and knives and forks?

HOLD ON A MINUTE PEOPLE! Have you forgotten that you do this every single day of the year? You have cooked more meals than you’ve had hot dinners (Well probably the same!) You know that in your heart of hearts you will work your fingers to the bone, cook vegetables that you don’t eat for the rest of the year, and then watch your kids push it around the plate before refusing to eat it. The only way to deal with this is to drink some more of that Christmas wine!

There is an alternative…stand by… how about this….DON’T DO IT! (There I said it.)

This might be easier for me to say because firstly, I live in a house of vegetarians and secondly, none of them are particularly foody. But really, it’s simple. I cook all the things they like, veggies sausage rolls, pizza, curry, Cheese Strings, whatever, I don’t care! There has even been a year when I dished it all up on paper plates (Christmas ones of course), then all the washing up went straight in the recycling! It’s liberating and a lot less stressful. Go on. Try it! I dare you! It also frees up a lot more of your day to do the important things, like drinking wine, eating chocolate and watching Christmas films!

The shocked look on my daughter’s face when she realised what a terrible mother she has! “WHAT?! No proper Christmas Dinner?”

There are several other festive peeves that irritate me, like Christmas shopping – I do it all online. Christmas parties like the ones you see on TV. I have never worn a sparkly dress and eaten a Ferrero Rocher at Christmas. And families pretending to be happy on Christmas day! I know that my children will be over tired and irritable and by 4pm will all be trying to murder each other, but that’s fine, it’s Christmas!

So this Christmas Eve I will not be peeling potatoes, getting the sprouts on or poking my hand up a turkey. I will be snuggled on the sofa, with my babies and a nice cup of tea watching the Snowman and looking forward to Boxing Day when I can take the tree down! (Hahaha! As if they’d let me!)

Merry Christmas everyone! X

3 thoughts on “Sarah’s alternative Christmas!

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