It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

Party, Party, Party! That’s what our lives have become since having children. One glitter filled, sugar fuelled social event after another. And oh how we love to be plunged into a room of strangers and their hyperactive, sweaty, crying offspring. I particularly enjoy buying presents for a child/ren whom I have never met and so I have no idea what they actually like, this brings me a real sense of joy!

After a recent spate of parties for both Louise and myself we have noticed some glaring similarities between these events from the arrival, where you don’t know who the birthday boy or girl is, to the bitter, tear filled, sweaty fringed end. The similarities have mainly been between parents, because they are generally at our eye level when we are loitering around the hall compiling blog notes on our phones!

So if you are frantically wrapping up something you bought for £5 in Asda and are venturing off to a birthday extravaganza somewhere this Saturday afternoon, we thought we’d provide you with a list of characters you may spot, along with a handy printable bingo sheet, so that you can play party parent bingo whilst sipping a lukewarm cup of tea and sneakily eating a party ring biscuit from the kids buffet.

party-bingo

So, eyes down everyone. Here we go…

The birthday child’s mum:

Every year the child asks for a party and every year mum forgets what an utter ball-ache they are to organise and do, not to mention fudging expensive and so she says ‘Yes! Of course darling, who would you like to invite?’

‘The whole class you say?’

Fuck.

I will book a hall (£30),

Do some food for 30 children (£80),

Buy invitations for 30 kids (£10),

Sort party bags for 30 kids (£3 per child? £90),

Book a bouncy castle (£50),

Arrange for a chav in a princess dress to turn up and look at the children for 20 minutes (£50).

Pass the parcel and other game prizes (£20)

Buy a trough of sweets for the sore losers (£10).

That’s a grand total of £340 for 2 hours of F.M.L.

You will most likely find this mum, running around the hall, red faced, trying to herd the children in to a “circle” for a game of pass the parcel, her voice will be hoarse from trying to shout over the top of 30 screaming kids, a bouncy castle generator and Katy Perry.

The inability of the children to make a circle never ceases to amaze the party mum, who ends up physically man-handling the children in to the correct position whilst fantasising about that bottle of wine in the fridge at home.

The birthday child’s dad:

He has ONE job. One. And every year he fucks it up. Pass the parcel, musical statues and musical bumps all require music. The music monitor (Dad) just needs to stop and start the music when he gets the nod from birthday child’s mum. You’ll find him at the CD player, NOT concentrating.

Pass the parcel rules: The birthday child must NOT win. Every child must get a turn of opening a layer, yet it must look completely random. Mum will be trying to communicate to Dad via an elaborate display of charades as to which child to stop the music on next.

The Wall Flower mum:

This is the parent who arrives early, finds somewhere to sit at the beginning of the party, and remains in that same position until the bitter end.

The drop and run mum:

This mum arrives at the party, catapults her child through the door and before there’s time to wave good bye, she’s gone. She clearly has very important things to do in the next two hours and looking after her unruly child isn’t one of them!

The mum of the child who hates parties:

This mum can be found with a child attached to her leg throughout the event. She will effectively take that child’s place at the party as in her bid to encourage her child to join in, she is actually the one who (reluctantly) plays the games, eats the food, bounces on the castle and sits on Elsa’s lap for a photograph. All with sad looking child glued to her thigh.

The over-enthusiastic mum:

This mum rocks up excitedly wearing something sparkly. She loves a party but doesn’t get out much these days. She is the first one on the dance floor. As soon as Little Mix start chanting about ‘The boys on the block..’ she is UP and dipping her hips like they’re not going to ache tomorrow. Other parents scoff in to their tea cups and whisper piss takes but after downing a couple of fruit shoots this mum couldn’t give two flips. She is Havin’ it LARGE. Pharrel Williams is Happy and that makes her happy. And just to let everyone know she busts out the Running Man followed by the Moonwalk and then a Grapevine. She then brings the routine bang up to date to show that she’s still down with the kids by cutting a few shapes and polishing the whole thing off with a Dab.

Family Helpers:

Usually Nanny and Grandad or Aunty and Uncle: These guys make tea for the parents, arrange the food on the table, blow up balloons, slice up the cake and fold in to napkins, wash up, collect rubbish and clear up whilst exhausted mum of birthday child whimpers in a corner after everyone has gone.

If you would like to host your own all singing all dancing children’s party here are some key features you might like to include:

Some sort of hypnotising light arrangement and pop music or Disney songs.

diddy-party-1

A fruit shoot bar

A bouncy castle: Great for creating the “sweaty look” and also great for capturing small children who refuse to sit at the table for birthday tea.

diddy-party-2

Balloons: For random loud bangs and screams throughout the proceedings

Cake: Buy one!

Wine for ‘party mum’ when she finally makes it home.

And in the words of Bill and Ted, Party on Dudes!

sarah-and-louise-birthday-2

Sarah and Louise. XX

6 thoughts on “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

  1. I love that photograph and the mum bingo. ‘Arrange for a chav in a princess dress to turn up and look at the children for 20 minutes.’ Literally just almost wet myself laughing. Hilarious post. My son turns 6 this year and after spending the last 3 years being the stressy sweaty birthday mum to whole class party, soft play hell. I have said this year we are doing a family day. I feel guilty but relieved! Thank you for linking to #stayclassymama xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We have about 4 parties a year, and without fail someone will say “how old is she turning?” and I have to say – it’s not for the kids, it’s for the grown ups. Apparently it’s odd to expect adults to get a sitter and come for a night out….ahhhh #Stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

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