Hello everyone, how the diddly are you? I apologise for my lack of effort lately. I have managed to find a fantastic new school for my son and my daughter, so much time has been spent adjusting to a new school and 30 minute school runs twice a day. I think we are getting there. I have, as usual been acquiring a backlog of photos and ideas for new blog posts, so stand by.
For my first post I would like to take you back to one Sunday morning a few weeks ago, when we had run out of food again, and I was desperate to get to a supermarket, get food, come home and get on with my life. My family, however had other ideas. So I thought I’d tell you the story of Supermarket Weep.
It was Sunday morning and mum was in the kitchen trying to make breakfast for three hungry children with two stale bits of bread and the dregs from a box of cereal that had been in the cupboard since Christmas.
“Bugger!” Said mum, “I’m going to have to go shopping…. on a Sunday.”
Mum didn’t like shopping on a Sunday, or any other day of the week for that matter. That’s why she usually got someone to deliver it all to the house. But there was no time for that today, this was an emergency. “Bugger!” said mum again.
“Can we come with you?” Said Lily, with a mouthful of the mysterious cereal.
“I need to spend my pocket money.” Said Billy.
“I need to pull all the things of the shelves and run away.” Said Willy.
Willy was always the naughtiest of the three children. Mum wondered if this was because he was two years old, or if he was indeed a devil child.
Mum Winced. “I really need to just go, now. On my own. Then I can come home, get everything ready for starting school tomorrow, tidy up a bit, cook dinner and open the wine.” She replied. “And whatever you do don’t tell you know who…”
But it was too late. Billy, Lily and Willy had skipped into the living room shouting “DAD! We’re going shopping!!”
“FFS!” hissed mum through gritted teeth.
Dad was a liability at the best of times and taking him shopping with the three children was on a par with taking 4 children, all high on fizzy drinks and popping candy. They were like kids in a sweet shop, running off with the trolley, printing hundreds of stickers on the fruit and veg scales, picking out random toys and crying on the floor when mum refused to buy them and setting off every single noisy, musical toy in the shop simultaneously. Mum felt so proud to be a part of that family.
As mum sneaked towards the door, trying to grab the car keys without anyone noticing, they all came bounding back into the kitchen.
“WE’RE GOING SHOPPING!” they all chorused, before they saw the keys in mum’s hand.
“You were going to go without us, weren’t you?” huffed Dad.
“No… I was er, just going to put the shopping bags in the car so we didn’t forget them.” Lied mum through her still gritted teeth. “If you lot are coming with me, you need to get dressed and ready NOW! I’m going very soon.”
Mum took the bags to the car and returned to find all four of them watching cartoons, still in their pyjamas. Her eye twitched.
“As I said, if you want to come with me you need to get ready NOW.”
“Alright, alright.” Sighed Dad. “Don’t get your old baggy grey knickers in a twist.”
Mum shot him a look that would have killed him, if he ever took any notice of her.
After a further 30 minutes of telling everyone to get ready, dad got up and made a cup of tea to take in the car with him. Mum got all the children dressed, washed and looking slightly less feral. She found their shoes, she put on their coats, she got a £1 coin for the trolley and went to open the door.
“Where’s dad?” She asked Billy.
“He’s in the bathroom washing his hair.” Said Lily. “He said he want’s in to smell like banana shampoo when we all go shopping. He likes bananas doesn’t he mum.”
Mum couldn’t speak. Her other eye twitched and she took the children to the car.
Once everyone was secured in their car seats dad came to join them. He swished down the path with his clean hair and cup of tea without a care in the world. Mum looked in the mirror. A tear rolled down her cheek.
“Can we have the Trolls CD on Mum?” Asked Lily.
“I like the Sing CD.” Piped up Billy.
“Wheels on the Bus.” Added Willy.
“Rage against the machine.” Whined Dad.
I’ll show you rage against the f’ing machine in a minute. Thought mum. She put on radio two and they all cried all the way to the supermarket.
Pulling up in Asda’s carpark was like pulling up outside Willy Wonkers’ Chocolate Factory for dad and the kids. There was so much fun to be had behind that huge concrete exterior. Mum however, felt nothing but fear and dread.
After Bundling Willy into the trolley, for the safety of all concerned, mum took a deep breath and walked through the automatic doors. The children’s eyes lit up! So did dads…So much to do!
Mum had a plan to get in, get food, get out and go home to rock in the corner.
Dad had a plan to head straight for the toy aisle.
Mum looked at her shopping list for a split second, turned around and they were gone.
“FFS.” She uttered. If only they could do everything else that quickly. She could hear the distant sound of musical toys being set off simultaneously so she decided to hide in the fruit and veg.
After a few minutes, when she could physically carry no more, mum had to bite the bullet and go and find the family. Rounding the corner of the toy aisle she could hear shrieks of “Weeeeeeeee!! Go faster dad.”
Looking up, she could see all four of them attached to the trolley zooming up and down. Dad was wearing a pair of swimming goggles that he had found on one of the shelves.
“FFS!” sighed mum again, as she unloaded the shopping into the trolley under the watchful eye of the security guard.The rest of the trip continued in a similar vein, with mum retrieving the shopping from the shelves and having to retrace her steps to find the trolley to put it in. By the time they had reached the bakery section, the children were beginning to melt down. All the excitement of the supermarket had overwhelmed them.
“Can we go now?” they whinged.
“I’m bored.” Said Billy.
“I’m hungry.” Said Lily.
“I done poo!” Said Willy.
“Almost done.” Said mum. I just need to get a few more bits.
“OOOOOOOOWWWWWW!” moaned dad.
Mum ventured into the freezer aisles. I’ll treat them to some ice cream she thought. They have been relatively well behaved. Then she made the mistake of saying aloud, “What ice cream shall we get for pudding?”
“I only like chocolate Cornettos.” Said Billy
“I like the stripy one with the pink, and white and chocolate.” Said Lily.
“I done poo!” Said Willy
“Banana!” Shouted dad. Mum wasn’t sure if he wanted banana ice cream, or if he was just delirious from the over excitement of shopping.
Mum picked out some raspberry ripple ice cream. Everyone liked that one. Lily had a melt down because she wanted two tubs of ice cream.
“FFS!” cried mum as she headed for the wine.
After paying and exorbitant amount of money for food that would be gone in a matter of minutes, and discovering that dad and the kids had devoured and entre box of Jaffa cakes on the way round the shop, mum headed for the door.
Willy had a melt down next, because he wanted to play on the light up fire engine ride that was conveniently placed by the supermarket door to add to the misery of every parent on the planet.
Finally mum piled the three children and all of the shopping into the car. She watched as dad whizzed around the car park on the trolley on his way to get the shiny coin from the magic lock. She briefly wondered what had become of her life, before she drove them all home, unpacked the shopping and ate several cakes!
Happy Sunday Everyone!